Category: Funny

TV time

When my brother and I were little, our parents had set a “TV time” for us. We could only watch TV for one hour every day. My brother and I would usually divide it into two halves. We used to watch half an hour of TV in the afternoon and half an hour before sleeping.

The love of our life- the television!

But those were the times when the advertisements weren’t longer than the show itself. When the two of us finally realized that the lengthy advertisements were costing us a lot of TV time, we came up with a strategy. We used to sit in front of the TV with a stopwatch. When the ads would come, we would stop the time running on the stopwatch, and turn our heads away from the TV, claiming that since we weren’t actually looking at the TV, this shouldn’t count as TV time. It worked very well for a few days. Then our parents realized our tactic and that was the end of our astute (but very effective) scheme.

Although our clever trick didn’t last very long, our efforts to prolong TV time never failed. I no longer have a TV time, but my younger brother does. And he still finds ways and means to violate it.

Some things never change! Be it people, their strange or wonderful habits, or our desperate attempts to trespass our TV time.

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Women and Gossip

Women like to gossip. Thats a fact. It seems to be some sort of natural, congenital tendency. Infact, if you dont believe me, mention a thing or two in front of a 5 year old girl and see how she throws away her barbie dolls to come closer to hear what you have to say!

Gossip? Or a game of chinese whisper?

The other day, some of my grandmother’s friends had dropped in. I happened to eavesdrop on a part of their conversation. Believe it or not, they were talking about the manners and etiquettes of someone they all knew. Apparently, this woman blatantly walked passed one of them without even simple eye contact and thus was given the pleasure of being their topic of conversation for a whole hour!

One of my mother’s friend has an incessant habit of talking, irrespective of what she talks about. But for the record, it’s mostly about her family or who badly her in laws behaved the other day or how the kid who lives in her neighbourhood just does the most absurd things. Sometimes mom gets the honour of hearing the family history of a stranger who happens to be her friend’s friend.

Everytime this friend calls or decides to come over, we know that it’s one of those days when we’re going to here this woman speak in hushed tones about something very trivial. Funny thing is, that she tries to lower her voice while talking about something that will reach everyone anyway, thanks to her public service!

One of my friends from school had this acute problem of slandering so that she could attract attention
So much so, she’d even go so far as to create sensational stories about all her classmates and make it such a big deal that ultimately the person being talked about would have to think twice to ensure that what she said was indeed false.

Dont get me wrong. A lot of women purposely try to hold their tongue. Logically, gossip doesnt do any good and these women know that.
And as for the others, hmmm, lets just say that their time would be better spent in the world of advertising and public relations, where they could get paid for doing what they do!!

GYMonomics

With my class 12 exams over, I decided to join the gym in the month of April. Class 12 makes you gain a lot of   extra weight, but that’s okay with me. I consider it a good sign. It means you’ve been studying.
Although this wasn’t my first time at the gym, I noticed a lot of things about the place that I had not noticed before. It seems to have it’s own certain ways.

To start with, being a newbie (or a person who out of laziness hasn’t been to the gym for the past 18 months)  is like being the amateur of the place. You’re the only person who is seen panting and sweating on the treadmill while walking at a speed of 4 km/hr and you’re definitely the person who comes in the last and leaves the soonest.
But as you become a little more regular and start blending in, certain patterns emerge.

There’s always this one egoistic trainer, who will walk around the place doing absolutely nothing productive. He’s like a parole officer.  He will have this proud and dignified look on his face, which by the way means nothing to any of the people there. The other trainers do all the work. One would think he’s coordinating,  but there’s nothing much to coordinate in a gym.

There’s the popular girl, who has been coming to the gym for as long as anyone remembers. She’s the one who knows all the trainers, and all the people. She is also the one who can run on the treadmill at 9 km/hr for 20 minutes.

There are also those people who I like to call the kings and queens. These are the people who do not need to lose weight from any angle. They either come to the gym to build their muscles or tone their body or mantain their already perfect weight. These are the ones who are the royalty of the gym. Not that they are treated any differently, but for them, being at the gym is more of a choice than a compulsion.

If any of you have ever been to a gym, you might have come across the inferiority complex. Whenever you’re on a treadmill, walking at your own sweet pace, you tend to compare yourself to the person next to you. If the person is walking at double the speed (running occasionally) you tend to have an inferiority complex. But if it’s you whose faster you tend to think “HAHA. What a loser”

And how could I forget, there are those amazing, gifted and idolized people who carry their own i pod to the gym. That’s a big thing. Believe me. First of all, it is impossible to even hear yourself think with all the loud music in the gym. It’s hard to even respond to a phone call. To be able to hear the music from your i pod is nothing short of a freakin miracle.
Second of all, I have never been able to keep those damned earphones inside my ears. They keep falling off. After some time, that’s all you’re doing. I have often found myself taking it easy while exercising just so that i can listen to my music.

But the best part is that there is a mutual understanding in the gym. Everyone is trying to lose weight or tone their body. So no matter how messed up you look, the gym is one place you can go to and not worry about your appearance. It is one place where your public image does not count. For all you know you could go in wearing the worst clothes out of your closet and no one would give a damn.

You know winter’s catching on when…

1. You try to fit your entire body into the area in front of the heater, so that it can keep all of it warm.

2. You wear your tennis shoes everywhere you go (they keep your feet toasty warm), including the bath room.

3. You wake up at 11 a.m. and decide to fall back asleep just because it is too cold to get out of bed.

4. The fridge seems useless and you start keeping things inside it in order to keep at normal room temperature.

5. You try to hold the book you are reading in bed with your blanket, because you don’t want your hands out of the blanket.

6. You are unable to move your arms, or any other part of your body, because you are wearing too many layers of clothes.

7.  The Delhi Govt, which almost never does things on time (they still haven’t taken off the Common Wealth Games bus boards) , closes all schools for 20 days even before the 20 days begin.

Benefits of turning 18

Yesterday, I turned 18. I was very  surprised to find how awesome it is. Ofcourse I have only spent 2 days as an adult, but I like to be optimistic.
I have been told more than once that childhood is the best time of your life, which is why I wasnt exactly *happy* to be turning into an adult.
But when I did, and as I slowly discovered all the benefits of being an adult I realised that for now, its all good!!
Here are a few *awesome* things about being 18.

1. You are no more referred to as a “minor”. Gosh I hate that word. Bloody discriminating.

2. You are taken a little more seriously by your parents (and everyone else) who until now, have been treating you as a “minor”. With the legal benefits you are suddenly in possession of, they begin to take you a little more seriously.

Silence! I’ll sue you!

3. You are officially on your own. No one can adopt you or take responsibility of you or claim to be your ‘guardian’.

4. You can become someone’s guardian. Although I really don’t care to adopt or whatever, being a godmother would be cool.

5. You can drive. Although for most people this might have been on the top of the list, I don’t think being 18 is a matter of concern for the Indian police. With the number of cars on the road, you could be a 9 year old in a driver’s seat and get away with it.

6. You can have your own bank account. No more carrying cash or using mommy’s or daddy’s credit or debit card to book movie tickets. You can flash around your own. Agreed that once in a while the cashier may tell you that you do not have enough money in your account and he/she wonders if you’re carrying some cash. But it is still worth it!

7. If you were very docile and gullibe (and stupid) as a child and entered your real date of birth while making online accounts on youtube, gmail, etc, you will no more be bothered by annoying warnings and restrictions saying that you need to be a certain age to have access to such content. You can finally make a google+ account just to see how good or bad it is.

Wanna see my ID?

8. You can go to adult movies without having to fear rejection at the ticket counter. Infact you can flash them your ID even if they didn’t ask for it!

For all the adults out there reading this and thinking “wait till she gets a job”, suck it up! Being a child might have been fun, but being an adult has its own moments.

Why I hate haircuts

Most females get the shock of their lives at the age of 40 when one fine morning their hair brushes produce a grey hair. I, a mere 17 year old, suffer the trauma every 3 months, when I notice the split ends of my hair.
It means it’s time to get a haircut.

I despise haircuts. I hate those quarterly trips to the beauty salon.

That can be surprising for most of you out there, considering that I am a teenage girl, who should ideally wait for those times. But funnily enough I don’t. Here’s why!

* Layers or Steps?
Deciding which hair style to get this time is a pain. Getting the same one you got last time just adds an element of banality to your life. But getting a new one comes with the risk of 3 months of hair trouble.
I usually let the hair cutter do what he wants. But every once in a while it does not turn out very well.

*Ouch!
Getting a hair cut can be awfully painful when your hair cutter is in a hurry to go flirt with the waxing lady. Although I religiously brush my hair a hundred times before leaving the house for a haircut, the dude always finds a knot or two which he yanks so hard that I fear leaving the salon with a bald spot.
And since he’s busy watching the television or talking to the hair cutter next to him, he does not notice the furious expression on my face that wants to pick each and every hair of that streaked head of his.

*No, I DO NOT want to use your shampoo.
There are some hair cutters who are extremely chatty, while they snip and snap the scissor around your head. While I’d prefer the chatty ones to the ignorant ones, they chatty ones can often get pretty annoying.
In the middle of the conversation, just when you are beginning to alter your opinions on haircuts, the hair cutter starts talking about how you should buy the amazing shampoo cum conditioner that the salon has come up with. It makes your hair smooth and silky and shiny. And guess what! NO chemicals!
When the guy is marketing and cutting your hair at the same time, you do not want to offend him too much. Not at the cost of a bad hair cut!

Sometimes I wish my hair would cut itself. No salon, no hair cutter.
But THAT is something I will just have to leave to the future.

Any other complaints against hair cutters people? Let me know, in the comments below 😉

My Miserable Tutors

Every class 12 student in India has tutors for atleast 2 subjects. ( not counting the ones who flunk and the ones who are so smart that they might as well drop out of school instead of wasting their precious time )
As I sat on the sofa of my home’s family room, I had an epiphany. The kinds that make you want to become atheists (well, i already am one, but we’ll save that story for later).
I realised that for the past 4 hours I had been finding excuses to not do any work that involves pleasing my tutors.

And it’s not out of sheer hatred, it’s because I hate to disturb their miserable lives.
My Maths tutor for instance, has a habit of getting mad about the smallest of things. Even when I find new methods of doing things, he digests it once he has grumbled over how his way is better.
Taking my accounts tutor into account (that sounds like something he would say), he reminds me of those old women who sit in the sun washing clothes slandering their neighbours and whoever else may be on their facebook friends list (hypothetically assuming that they know how to operate anything that was invented after the light bulb) . Half of my hour long class goes into listening to his complaints and trivial problems that are apparently problems as astronomical as a black hole that I always think about falling into when I’m pretending to listen.
Don’t get me wrong. Both of them are really smart when it comes to teaching their subjects, but it seems to me like they are constantly trying to find things to be unhappy about.
Well, then I guess not doing the home work that my tutors gave me would be an altruistic act on my part and will just give them something new to wine about.